his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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