6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize