We tried having a conversation with our noses.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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