Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Come on in and take your pants off
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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