Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
