I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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