So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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