Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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