Screwed.edu
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
