Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
