If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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