you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
