Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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