alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
