If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
