i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
