Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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