Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize