Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
