I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
