Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize