He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
