he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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