I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
