Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
did i just pee glitter
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
