he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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