i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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