Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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