i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
