theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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