I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
