You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
