Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
