if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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