I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
