using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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