I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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