new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
