when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
