So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
