not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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