Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You need Xanax blowdarts
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
