turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Boobs speak an international language.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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