I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
