I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize