I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
4 words: hood of his car
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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