Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
