I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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