The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
