i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
