nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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