when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
