I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
