I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
