I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
