He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
