If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
