I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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